Turns out Am I Normal is a question many of us humans are asking ourselves. This question is especially relevant when it comes to our sexuality. The truth is most of us have very few if any realistic reference points for what is normal when it comes to sexuality. What we do see, and often compare ourselves to unfairly, is on TV, movies, in magazines, or maybe even porn.

In most, if not all of these comparisons we come up short. We compare our bodies to airbrushed bodies. We compare our arousal to TV arousal where everyone always wants and is ready for sex and enjoys the sex they have. We compare our responses to sexual stimuli. In the media people are REALLY excited REALLY quickly. No one has to talk about anything and everyone knows just what each other want. Everyone is happy with their partner’s touches, kisses, actions and reactions. It is a perfect synchrony.

Then we consider our last sexual experience. Where maybe we were tired and stressed when our partner initiated. Maybe our body or our brain did not respond as expected or as we hoped. Maybe we wanted and needed things that we did not know how to or feel comfortable communicating. Maybe we have no idea what we want or need sexually and are extremely uncomfortable with the entire topic of sex.

Whatever our experience of sex is, it is likely to look and feel very different than what we see in the media. Then something even more tragic happens we may conclude it is our fault. We are broken. Or there is something wrong with us. This is a painful and common conclusion to draw from our sexual experience not matching our expectations and/or our partner’s expectations.

Thankfully the story does not have to stop here. Knowledge is power. 

In this Ted Talk by Sex Educator Emily Nagoski you will hear her students’ most powerful take away after a semester in her sex education class is that they are normal.

Emily Nagoski Ted Talk YouTube

Three tips to begin to shift negative sexual beliefs about ourselves:

1. Give yourself space and grace. Sexuality is a taboo topic in our society so you may have so big feelings that come up around your own sexuality and your sexual relationship. It is not uncommon for people to feel overwhelmed, defeated, despair, anger and many more big feelings when unpacking their sexuality. Many women have also experienced sexual assaults, abuse or incidents where they were unsafe related to their sexuality on in general. If this applies to you, please give yourself extra care and grace. Reach out to a qualified professional. You do not have to cope alone.

2. Read Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. and work through the accompanying workbook. Do not take it from me, learn for yourself that you are normal. Understanding people vary and we all fall somewhere on a spectrum begins to take some of the heavy weight off of our sexuality.

3. If you are in a relationship and feel emotionally safe enough to share, consider sharing one small thing you learned about yourself. If you feel really safe share more. Be curious and open to listening about your partner’s sexuality in response.

Take Aways

You are normal. And you like every human being deserve to have sexual experiences that are pleasurable and whatever else you want and need them to be.

Michelle Puster M.Ed., LPC

Certified EFT Couples Therapist Supervisor

AASECT Certified Sex Therapist

Certified Clinical Trauma Professional

Katy Couples & Wellness Counseling

Helping couples grow close

Couples, Marriage, & Sex Therapy Serving Katy | West Houston

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