Help! My Partner Said They Do Not Care If We Ever Have Sex Again.
First off, it is totally reasonable to be panicked and hurt by this comment. Also, likely it is less definitive, final and certain then it sounds.
Your partner is probably trying to tell you something important when they say they would not care if they ever had sex again.
There are good reasons someone might say this.
1. It is in response to feeling badgered for sex for years. They are jabbing back out of hurt and frustration. Saying, “I don’t know what you want from me.” “What I give you it will never be enough.” “You will never be satisfied with me sexually so I give.” “And I am pissed at you for being frustrated with me over the years.” Maybe even, “so … leave me alone and stop asking.”
If this is the case. I know it is difficult but do your best to try to look at how you have handled your hurt and frustration around sex over the years. You’ve likely been patient and calm at times. Have you also been angry and mean at times? If so, it is not because you are a mean bad person. It is likely that you are hurt, confused and feel cut off from your partner.
2. Perhaps your partner is trying to communicate that while you may be a high/spontaneous desire person they are a low/responsive desire person. Responsive desire means you respond to pleasurable experiences and your desire begins to bloom as you are experiencing pleasure such as non-genital touching, caressing, kissing, and stroking. Someone who is responsive desire does not often think about sex, is less likely to initiate sex and can still love and enjoy the sex they have.
Your partner might be asking you to accept that they are different then you. Neither of you are right or wrong, good or bad, just different. People vary. We all want to feel accepted without judgement.
Learn more about responsive versus spontaneous desire in the podcast below:
Emily Nagoski on What Happy Couples Know That Others Don’t
3. In more extreme cases, your partner might have experienced sexual abuse or assault that is getting triggered for them again. This is overwhelming for individuals and couples. If this is the case, it is important to be sensitive and caring. Your partner may or may not be interested in being sexual. If not, it is reasonable to grieve what would be a significant loss. If they are interested in being sexual but are running into severe trauma, blocks and pain I recommend seeking the support of a qualified professional.
Of course, there may be other reasons your partner might make a comment like this. Listen for clues of things they have said over the years. Consider if you respond with patience and understanding or have you accused them of making excuses. Even if you are right that your partner makes excuses to put you off, there is likely some validity to what they are saying.
Ideally the two of you could work together to overcome obstacles and prioritize your sexual relationship. This comes with a lot of communication, patience, understanding, non-judgement, openness, and curiosity on both sides.
Another podcast to check out:
Foreplay Radio – We’re Sexless. My partner never wants to do it again
Be well,
Michelle Puster (she/her) M.Ed., LPC
Certified Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist Supervisor
AASECT Certified Sex Therapist
Certified Clinical Trauma Professional
Katy Couples and Wellness Counseling
Helping couples grow closer
440 Cobia Drive Suite 1301Katy, TX
77494
832.361.1547