Keeping Your Sex Life Alive
Recently in a talk I gave, a participant asked the question, "How can a couple keep their sex life alive?" You would think I would have an easy, quick answer for this being a sex therapist. After all it is a valid question. I however, did not have a quick and easy answer. I have been thinking about this question ever since. It deserves an answer.
The reason it has no quick and easy answer is because what works for one couple will not necessarily work for another. A struggle that one couple is having in their sexual relationship is not necessarily the same struggle as another couple. My struggle to answer this question is that every couple and every individual in a couple has their own unique set of challenges, needs, longings and desires.
I am not going to try to get out of answering this question though. Another person asked what is a good starting point. While this seems like an easier question to answer it is still complex because we as human beings are unique. All this to say if what I write next does not speak to your concerns, you are not alone. It does not mean you are broken, your partner, or your sexual relationship is broken. It just may mean I did not speak to your specific concerns or needs.
3 tips to keeping your sexual relationship alive
1. Communication - how easy or difficult is it for you and your partner to discuss your sexual relationship?
Obstacles to communication include discomfort with the topic of sex. For some (possibly most) people, sex was not discussed in your home growing up. The topic of sex was taboo in your home. You received messages of shame. Such as, "We don'r discuss that here." "That is private." Cultural messages around sex reflect similar tones of shame. Sometimes religious organizations send messages around sex that it is shameful and off limits until you are married. The trouble is if you are told all your life, this is not something we discuss, you are not going to magically feel comfortable discussing sex when you are married. It is still going to feel shameful, uncomfortable, or taboo.
A few questions to increase your comfort talking about sex and your sexual relationship.
What do you want when you want sex?
What do you enjoy when you enjoy a sexual experience?
Describe what you enjoyed about your last pleasurable sexual experience.
I highly recommend the book Come Together by Emily Nagoski. At the end of each chapter she provides excellent questions for you to discuss with your partner.
2. Let go of the idea that sex should be easy, spontaneous and should not take any effort.
A lot of couples describe how sex used to be at the start of their relationship, easy spontaneous, effortless, and fun. They are reasonably frustrated that sex is no longer easy and fun. When I start to ask questions and offer suggestions I get push back. "Why does it have to be so hard?" "Shouldn't it be easy and effortless?" Why do we have to talk so much about sex, our feelings, our relationship? UGG I just want it to be easy!"
I hear you. And you are right, sex and your relationship is likely not as easy and carefree as it once was. You are allowed to be angry and frustrated. Vent, run, hitting a punching bad, yell where no one can hear you, write it all out then burn it up. Then move forward.
Consider this, is there anything in your life you enjoy that does not take your time, energy and effort. Work, if you love your work, it takes A LOT of your time energy and effort. You work hard, knowing your efforts will pay off. Running, lifting weights, or whatever your body movement of choice is, you work for it. You likely have a routine you come back to 3 - 5 days a week. You put in time energy and effort. You know it will pay off. You know it is worth it. Your garden, you weed, water, tend. If you do not your plants wither and die. Even your pet. You walk, pet, feed, care for them daily. Your kids, you hug them love them, care for them. You tuck them in. You tend to them, their needs, your relationship.
Can you think of anything that is worth having that does not take your time energy and effort? I can't!
Your relationship and your sexual relationship are NO different. The person you love, you, and your relationship are worth your time energy and effort!
The media plants the seed of sex should be easy, fun, and spontaneous. This just IS NOT TRUE. And if we believe it we feel like there is something wrong with us because it is not working out that way. Or our relationship because it is not easy or fun all the time. Or our partner, they are broken, a let down. Believing this lie often leads to a build up of resentment because we feel sex SHOULD be easier.
What if we step back and see everything that has shaped that belief likely came from media and it is NOT true? Would it begin to change our view of ourselves and our sexual relationship?
3. People vary - The number one reason people seek sex therapy is because they have a desire discrepancy. One person wants more sex. One person wants less sex. This difference can lead to a lot of pain on both sides.
One person often feels rejected, cut off, undesirable and like a bad person for wanting or needing to be sexual as often as possible.
The other person feels broken, blamed, and like THE PROBLEM.
Both struggle to see how the other person feels inside, hurt. What they see is each other’s reaction to the pain, frustration, anger, pushing, withdrawing, shut down, refusal to talk about sex much less have sex.
What if there is nothing wrong with either of you? You are both good people with reasonable needs and feelings. You are hurt and that hurt sometimes comes out in hurtful ways.
It is helpful to really try to understand where your partner is coming from. One way to do this is by learning more about how people vary then talking about it (without blame or accusations).
Check out the podcasts below on spontaneous versus responsive desire and desire discrepancy. Ask your partner to listen if you found it helpful then discuss it together.
Podcast: We Heart Therapy - EFT Talk: sexuality with high escalate, couples and stage 1 EFT
Podcast: Foreplay Radio: Desire Discrepancies
To recap, the question of how do we keep our sex life alive, or get it back is a big question that has lots of parts that need to be considered. The few suggestions I offered are just starting places. Think of them as jumping off points to turn towards your partner and prioritize, your sexual relationship in a positive and healthy way.
1. Communication – Communication is key to long-term healthy, sexual relationships. It is normal for our sexuality and our sexual experiences to change overtime through different experiences and as we age the more we can communicate with our partner the more we will be able to move through the changes we will inevitably experience in a healthy, loving manner.
2. Let go of the idea that sex should be easy, spontaneous and should not take any effort. – We often have ideas about how our sexual relationship should be that keep us stuck, frustrated and resentful. We need to take a closer look at how we think our sexual relationship should be and ask ourselves. Where did that should come from and is it still reasonable? If we are able to let go of what we believe our sexual relationship should be what might we be opening up space for in our sexual relationship?
3. 3. People vary – It is 100% normal for couples and individuals to have varying needs and desires. It doesn’t mean that anyone is wrong or bad or broken or that our sexual relationship is doomed. It is normal to not understand our partner’s sexual experience because we don’t live in their body. We can get curious about different people’s sexual experience and then try to approach ourselves and our partner with openness and curiosity versus judgment and blame.
I’d love to hear how any of the above resonate for you and your partner.
Be well,
Michelle Puster (she/her) M.Ed., LPC
Certified Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist Supervisor
AASECT Certified Sex Therapist
Certified Clinical Trauma Professional
Katy Couples and Wellness Counseling
Helping couples grow closer
440 Cobia Drive Suite 1301Katy, TX
77494
832.361.1547