What do you want when you want sex?
Often times one partner comes to therapy wanting more sex, frustrated that they are not having enough sex and feeling stonewalled by their partner.
They describe feeling angry, hurt, confused and tired. They do not want to give up on their partner or their sexual relationship but they have been hitting their head against a wall for years.
Couples in this situation often describe getting caught in a negative cycle of chase/pursue and avoid/withdraw.
Both partners feel hurt, angry, resentful and it builds up over years and years.
Sometimes, but not always, couples describe having an easy fun sexual relationship while dating and early marriage. Things begin to change as careers take off, they have children and they face other life challenges together. Their sexual relationship begins to fade. Sometimes slowly over years, other times abruptly after life changing events.
Two people who love and care for each other begin to grow apart, feel distant, hurt, cut off and angry. Their sexual relationship becomes increasingly strained or non-existent.
Does this sound familiar? You are not alone. Lots of couples, including myself and my husband of 20 years, experience major changes in their sexual relationships.
So, what is a couple to do?
It is not uncommon for one person to not want to talk about it, get quiet when the conversation comes up, or say yes, I’ll do better but then nothing changes.
While the other person is going out of their mind searching for answers reading blogs, books, listening to podcasts.
Please know that if your partner is seemingly refusing to talk about your sexual relationship it is unlikely that they do not care. It is most likely they care very much about you, your unhappiness, and are afraid of what might happen if things do not get better. If they are refusing to talk it is likely because they do not know what to do. They may feel overwhelmed and upset by your hurt and anger. They might also feel helpless and stuck.
Consider an area in your life when you have felt similar feelings, overwhelmed, unsure what to do, fearful, helpless or stuck. Even if you try to remain calm or also avoid bringing up the topic of sex your partner is very sensitive to your interactions with them BECAUSE you do matter so much to them.
We do not cope well when we are under this kind of stress. We feel cornered and lash out or we shut down. This does not mean your partner does not care. In fact it is evidence of the opposite, they care very much about you and feel lost as to what to do.
It is important to consider how you feel going into a conversation with your partner when it comes to sex because there is likely a negative pattern that takes over and high jacks the conversation. I am restating that your partner cares because that is likely not how it feels.
Consider for a moment what you believe about your partner when it comes to sex. Are any of these beliefs fueling your own reactivity? Can you imagine approaching your partner with openness and curiosity?
Now think about what you begin to say and do when you are discussing your sexual relationship with your partner and it is not going well. Do you begin to get irritated, agitated, aggravated, sigh, yell, blame, accuse, give up and walk away?
You have good reasons to be hurt and angry. How are you feeling inside when it comes to your sexual relationship? Hurt, angry, sad, alone, unwanted, not desired, inadequate, unattractive, unloved, shut out. Of course, then you would have a big reaction.
You do have to consider though, how does that big reaction likely effect your partner. How do you imagine they feel in these conversations? How do you imagine you feel about them? How do you imagine they feel about themselves?
I know this is not what you want. We can all easily fall into negative interactions with our partner, even if we set out with the best of intentions.
The unfortunate thing about negative cycles of communication around sex is that it often leads people to want to avoid sex altogether. The negative interactions become linked with sex and people want to avoid all of it.
Another common thing that happens is the lower desire partner feels that all their partner wants or cares about is sex because that is what they are complaining about, asking about, getting frustrated about. This also hits a lower desires person’s break. “My partner just wants sex and not me.”
What do you want when you want sex? What do you enjoy about good sex? How do you feel with your partner in those experiences? How do you imagine they feel about you? What is it like to feel wanted, desired, and needed by your partner? Often people say it is like the best drug.
Let’s dig a little deeper. Is it an orgasm you want? You could masturbate and have an orgasm. Is it intercourse you want? Often people describe very lack luster intercourse when they feel their partner is just there out of obligation. So what is it really you are seeking? Is it possible when you are asking for sex you are seeking feeling wanted, desired, closeness, or comfort?
How do you imagine your partner would respond differently if they knew you felt lonely, unwanted and cut off from them rather then you just wanted sex? Would they get a different message? Hear you differently? Would they have more empathy? Perhaps they miss you too. They might even be asking for more of other kinds of closeness, conversation, dates, etc.
This is all in an effort to get you thinking a little differently about your partner, your sexual relationship and how to approach your partner. It is not easy. This is just a jumping off point.
That fact that you care enough to read this and learn more shows how much your partner and your relationship really matter to you.
Check out the podcast below to keep learning.
Podcast Foreplay Radio: Good Enough Responding to Stay Sexually Attached
Be well,
Michelle Puster (she/her) M.Ed., LPC
Certified Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist Supervisor
AASECT Certified Sex Therapist
Certified Clinical Trauma Professional
Katy Couples and Wellness Counseling
Helping couples grow closer
440 Cobia Drive Suite 1301Katy, TX
77494
832.361.1547