Where is My Sexual Desire? Women & Sex

When we think of sexual response we usually think of the tingly feeling between our legs but sexual response also happens in our brain. “… the central mechanism that governs sexual arousal, which controls how and when you respond to sexually relevant sights, sounds, sensations, and ideas” (Nagoski, 2015, p 48). This takes place in our central nervous system and is referred to as the dual control model. In her book Come As You Are, Nagoski describes the dual control model as our accelerator and break.  Why is this important? We can now look at concerns with our sexual response through the lens, is there too much stimulation to the breaks or not enough stimulation to the accelerator. What hits our accelerator, “tune ons?” What hits our breaks, “turn offs?”

Examples of what stimulates our accelerator could include, vacation, date night, when your partner gently rubs your lower back, a deep kiss, or a gentle kiss on the back of neck. Think touches, tastes, sounds, sights, and smells that excite or turn you on. You get the idea. Now imagine getting a kiss on the back of the neck while you are doing the dishes after just changing your baby’s diaper. A lot less hot for most of us. This is because dishes and diapers hit our brakes. Let’s think of other things that hit our brakes. Common turn offs are, stress, depression, body image, shame, fear of being walked in on, performance anxiety, and relationship disconnection, especially trust concerns.

Often times we focus on hitting our accelerator then get frustrated when sexual response does not naturally follow. This could be because something is also hitting our brakes.  This would be like driving down the highway with your emergency brake on. The car will move but not well.

Journal Exercise: Let’s take a little bit of time to identify what hits your accelerator and what hits your breaks. Make a list of everything that you can think of that hits your accelerator. Also make a list of everything that you can think of that hits your brakes. Consider your last sexual experience what stimuli hit your accelerator? What if anything was hitting your breaks? Do you wish there was more application to your accelerator? If so what would that have been? Could you ask your partner for any of these at your next sexual encounter? If there were stimuli hitting your breaks is there any way to reduce any of these? If not, can you share your experience with your partner. “I’d love to have sex but not after the day I had.”

If you have small kids it is normal to have your breaks on more than off most days. Can you give yourself grace and know this is normal? You are normal! Are there other ways to share closeness or connect with your partner when your exhausted and/or not in the mood? Share your lists with your partner and talk about what you learned in your journaling. Get curious about your partner’s experience too.

Reference:

Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by Dr. Emily Nagoski (Workbook Also Available)

You can also check Emily out here:

Michelle Puster M.Ed., LPC

Katy Couples & Wellness Counseling

Helping couples Find Us Again

Couples Therapy, Sex Therapy, & Mindfulness Based Individual Therapy 

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