Restore & Replenish Yourself & Your Relaitoship

Shame & Vulnerability in Your Relationship

June 14, 2017 by Michelle Puster Leave a Comment

I love Berne Browns work on shame and vulnerability. The idea is that shame thrives on secrecy. The more we keep the ****y things we think about ourselves to ourselves the stronger hold shame takes on us. The good news is there is one thing that shame shrivels to, exposure. What might exposing shame look like in a relationship?

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Vulnerability. This is not a word most of us are comfortable with and it might even have an association of weakness. Being vulnerable enough in your relationship to share your darkest inner thoughts about yourself takes crazy courage and strength.

Sliding Door Moment #6

June 8, 2017 by Michelle Puster Leave a Comment

Sliding Door Moments: Opportunities to Be There for Your Partner

Author and researcher, John Gottman, uses the term sliding door moments to describe opportunities to connect with our partners. These are often micro moments of potential to let your partner know you care, you are there for them, and they can count on you. The term sliding door fits well because these occasions can be so fleeting they are easily missed. Mixed in with other blog posts below are real life sliding door moments that I see in relationships all around me, including my own. Some moments were embraced and perhaps created stronger bonds for the couple while others were missed. I hope highlighting these real life sliding door moments in other’s relationships will help you seek out and take advantage of the opportunity they provided to turn towards your partner and build trust in your own relationship.

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Sliding Door Moment #6

On one of my guilty pleasure podcasts, For Crying Out Loud, co-hosts Lynette Carolla and Stefanie Wilder-Taylor discussed what they felt like kept their marriages strong after over 15+ years. I loved what Lynette shared. After a disagreement or tense moment between her and her husband, Adam Carolla, before they part on go on about their day her husband will say, “Ok Mama, let’s enjoy…” Lynette has shared in other stories that “Mama” is term of endearment that Adam uses when they talk. Because Lynette cited this as a reason their marriage stays strong I take this to mean Lynette feels Adam genuinely wants her to be ok, them to be ok and wants to enjoy the rest of their day despite their rough moment.

Sliding Door Moment #5 | Repairing Mistakes

June 1, 2017 by Michelle Puster Leave a Comment

Photo by seyed mostafa zamani

Sliding Door Moments: Opportunities to Be There for Your Partner

Sliding Door Moment #5 … Moment Missed

Even as a therapist, a couple’s therapist none the less, I make mistakes in my relationship. The good news is that mistakes can be repaired. My husband is not much of a talker but he makes an effort for me. One evening he was making such an effort to “open up” as I have asked for a lot over the years when I squashed it. He was talking about work and instead of engaging, asking a question, or showing much interest at all I asked what he wanted to watch on TV. It was like I was saying, “Can we please stop talking so I can zone out?” The funny or not so funny part about this story is I would not even be aware this happened had he not then pointed it out to me. I was shutting him down. Thankfully he did say something. I was glad he did. He had good reason to be at least annoyed.

Sliding Door Moment # 4

January 24, 2016 by Michelle Puster Leave a Comment

Photo by Neal Fowler Flickr

Sliding Door Moments: Opportunities to Be There for Your Partner

Sliding Door Moments #4

Over the holidays I visited my parents and stayed in their home. A couple days after Christmas my Mom told us she had not been feeling well for a few days. She had since been to the doctor and now knew everything was ok. However, on Christmas morning she had been experiencing pain and was concerned. Not wanting to worry everyone in the house, she let my Dad in on what was going on and how she was feeling. Concerned about his wife and knowing she was not feeling well, Dad offered to take Mom to the ER on Christmas morning instead of going to church. This meant a lot to Mom because she knew her husband was concerned about her and cared enough to offer to miss Christmas Mass, one of the most important masses of the year for both of them. They did not end up going to the ER that morning but the offer to go was a gesture of concern and caring that let Mom know Dad is there for her when she needs him.

Sliding Door Moments #3

January 17, 2016 by Michelle Puster Leave a Comment

Photo by Q Thomas Bower

Sliding Door Moments: Opportunities to Be There for Your Partner

Sliding Door Moments #3

Before, during, and after fights there are many opportunities for sliding door moments. I recently had a fight with my husband. Nothing major but for some reason I was particularly angry and did not go about expressing my feelings in the best way possible. After a few tries we finally talked enough that we were both satisfied and you could tell it was over. After having some time to think about what I had said and how I had said it I realized I was taking my feelings out on my husband. He was right. I was not being fair to him. Because the fight was over I could have easily let this go and never admitted I was wrong or not being as supportive as I could have been. I even thought saying anything else on the topic might reignite the flames and we would be fighting all over again. Fortunately, I saw this opportunity for what it was a sliding door moment to let him know I had thought about what he said and realized I had messed up.

Sliding Door Moments #2

January 10, 2016 by Michelle Puster Leave a Comment

Sliding Door Moments: Opportunities to Be There for Your Partner

Photo by seyed mostafa zamani Flickr

Sliding Door Moments #2

After an unusually messy meal with my two year olds, I was on the floor under the table trying to clean up. Frustrated with the lack of lighting and not knowing whether I was actually making a dent in the mess, I got up to turn on the light. Only to find out the switch I tried turned on the light in the other room. Wanting to get the mess cleaned up quickly I went back to wiping with low lighting. Noticing my frustration, my husband turned on the light in the kitchen to help me out. It would have been easy to miss this sliding door moment. My husband could have been focused on something else or thought because I did not ask for help I did not need it.

January 7, 2016 by iuy74hbt8befoaerbodyfbs Leave a Comment

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Filed Under: Sliding Door Moments

Sliding Door Moments #1

January 6, 2016 by Michelle Puster Leave a Comment

Photo by Klearchos Kapoutsis Flickr

Sliding Door Moments: Opportunities to Be There for Your Partner

Sliding Door Moments #1

On the therapy couch a couple sits, referred to lovingly by one client as the principal’s office. Each person is nervous, uneasy, and would probably rather be just about any place but there. As they shared about a recent conflict they faced both beginning to tense up, the husband made a gentle inside joke that brought a smile to both their faces. The wife’s shoulders dropped with ease accepting her husband’s bid for affection. He gently touched her leg. They were in this therapy thing together and ready to face whatever might come up.

If your partner reaches out to you today to ease your stress consider accepting that small bid because it may bring big comfort.

Learn more about John Gottman’s sliding door moments, in the article What Makes Love Last: Sliding Door Moments.

Michelle Puster M.Ed. | Licensed Professional Counselor
Helping disconnected couples grow closer
Couples & Marriage Counseling Katy, TX

Filed Under: Sliding Door Moments Tagged With: Building Stronger Relationships, Relationships, Sliding Door Moments, Trust

Choosing the Right Counselor for You

October 22, 2015 by Michelle Puster Leave a Comment

You have finally decided to seek counseling or at least decided to call a counselor to see if counseling is for you. Now you are stuck trying to find the right counselor. How do you know who to choose and where to begin? These are not easy questions to answer because finding the right counselor is so important to your experience and outcome of therapy.

Filed Under: Choosing a counselor Tagged With: Choosing a counselor, Choosing a therapist

Why Doesn’t My Spouse Listen?

October 4, 2015 by Michelle Puster Leave a Comment

Photo by Malcolm Payne Flickr

One of the most frustrating things we encounter in relationships is feeling unheard, discounted, or like what we have to say doesn’t matter. At the very least, we would like the acknowledgement that we’ve said something. But what we really need and hope for is our partner to hear us, accept our influence, and let us know they care about us and what we have to say. So what makes feeling heard so challenging in a relationship?