Guest Post by Teresa Greenhill at Mentalhealthforseniors.com
Photo by Jorge Lopez at Unsplash
The holidays are a joyous time of year — unless you’re going through something painful and emotional, such as addiction recovery. Then it can be extremely difficult and fraught with anxiety.
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!
This week giving thanks and gratitude are on all of our minds. However, finding gratitude in our marriage is not always easy.
We have started a tradition with my children where each meal we go around the table and each say what we are grateful for. I am sure this practice benefits my children but what I have noticed is how much it makes me think about what I’m grateful for and how so often my mindset is not gratitude. Instead I find myself in mindsets of feeling sorry for myself, being frustrated, or disappointed.
KatyCouplesCounseling.com
A new baby has just been brought home. What a beautiful time in a couple’s life but it can also bring new challenges. Some of the biggest challenges a couple faces when they have children are increased stress, sleep deprivation, and less down time together. All of these challenge the couple to turn toward and rely on each other. The goal is to come to each other with concerns, frustrations, fears, etc. Versus keeping thoughts and emotions to ourselves and trying to manage all of the changes on our own. We were built for connection and to lean on our partner in times of stress and transition.
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There are so many times throughout the day as a parent I need a pause. A moment to find calm and reset my mood. I find myself caught up and stuck in frustration, irritation, anger, or worry. I can see my thoughts have sort of gone off line, become less than rational, and I find myself beginning to react to the situation in a way that I can see is making things worse. It feels like I’m crashing but somehow being aware of it does not bring enough clarity to get things back on track.
Do you recall laying on a beach listening to waves crash and feeling the salty breeze on your skin, watching a child with a contagious giggle and catching yourself smiling too, feeling exhilaration while riding a roller coaster, tasting your favorite dessert, or feeling your heart pounding as you push through the final leg of a race? One thing these all have in common is they bring us into the present. For a moment, we get out of our thinking heads and embody the present moment. Most of us do not stay here long before our busy minds pick up right where they left off. What are we spending so much time thinking about if it is not what is directly in front of us? One common contributor to our ruminating thoughts about the future are what I call the I’ll be happy when’s.
I love Berne Browns work on shame and vulnerability. The idea is that shame thrives on secrecy. The more we keep the ****y things we think about ourselves to ourselves the stronger hold shame takes on us. The good news is there is one thing that shame shrivels to, exposure. What might exposing shame look like in a relationship?
Vulnerability. This is not a word most of us are comfortable with and it might even have an association of weakness. Being vulnerable enough in your relationship to share your darkest inner thoughts about yourself takes crazy courage and strength.
Author and researcher, John Gottman, uses the term sliding door moments to describe opportunities to connect with our partners. These are often micro moments of potential to let your partner know you care, you are there for them, and they can count on you. The term sliding door fits well because these occasions can be so fleeting they are easily missed. Mixed in with other blog posts below are real life sliding door moments that I see in relationships all around me, including my own. Some moments were embraced and perhaps created stronger bonds for the couple while others were missed. I hope highlighting these real life sliding door moments in other’s relationships will help you seek out and take advantage of the opportunity they provided to turn towards your partner and build trust in your own relationship.
On one of my guilty pleasure podcasts, For Crying Out Loud, co-hosts Lynette Carolla and Stefanie Wilder-Taylor discussed what they felt like kept their marriages strong after over 15+ years. I loved what Lynette shared. After a disagreement or tense moment between her and her husband, Adam Carolla, before they part on go on about their day her husband will say, “Ok Mama, let’s enjoy…” Lynette has shared in other stories that “Mama” is term of endearment that Adam uses when they talk. Because Lynette cited this as a reason their marriage stays strong I take this to mean Lynette feels Adam genuinely wants her to be ok, them to be ok and wants to enjoy the rest of their day despite their rough moment.
Photo by seyed mostafa zamani
Author and researcher, John Gottman, uses the term sliding door moments to describe opportunities to connect with our partners. These are often micro moments of potential to let your partner know you care, you are there for them, and they can count on you. The term sliding door fits well because these occasions can be so fleeting they are easily missed. Mixed in with other blog posts below are real life sliding door moments that I see in relationships all around me, including my own. Some moments were embraced and perhaps created stronger bonds for the couple while others were missed. I hope highlighting these real life sliding door moments in other’s relationships will help you seek out and take advantage of the opportunity they provided to turn towards your partner and build trust in your own relationship.
Even as a therapist, a couple’s therapist none the less, I make mistakes in my relationship. The good news is that mistakes can be repaired. My husband is not much of a talker but he makes an effort for me. One evening he was making such an effort to “open up” as I have asked for a lot over the years when I squashed it. He was talking about work and instead of engaging, asking a question, or showing much interest at all I asked what he wanted to watch on TV. It was like I was saying, “Can we please stop talking so I can zone out?” The funny or not so funny part about this story is I would not even be aware this happened had he not then pointed it out to me. I was shutting him down. Thankfully he did say something. I was glad he did. He had good reason to be at least annoyed.
Photo by Neal Fowler Flickr
Author and researcher, John Gottman, uses the term sliding door moments to describe opportunities to connect with our partners. These are often micro moments of potential to let your partner know you care, you are there for them, and they can count on you. The term sliding door fits well because these occasions can be so fleeting they are easily missed. Mixed in with other blog posts below are real life sliding door moments that I see in relationships all around me, including my own. Some moments were embraced and perhaps created stronger bonds for the couple while others were missed. I hope highlighting these real life sliding door moments in other’s relationships will help you seek out and take advantage of the opportunity they provided to turn towards your partner and build trust in your own relationship.
Over the holidays I visited my parents and stayed in their home. A couple days after Christmas my Mom told us she had not been feeling well for a few days. She had since been to the doctor and now knew everything was ok. However, on Christmas morning she had been experiencing pain and was concerned. Not wanting to worry everyone in the house, she let my Dad in on what was going on and how she was feeling. Concerned about his wife and knowing she was not feeling well, Dad offered to take Mom to the ER on Christmas morning instead of going to church. This meant a lot to Mom because she knew her husband was concerned about her and cared enough to offer to miss Christmas Mass, one of the most important masses of the year for both of them. They did not end up going to the ER that morning but the offer to go was a gesture of concern and caring that let Mom know Dad is there for her when she needs him.
Photo by Q Thomas Bower
Author and researcher, John Gottman, uses the term sliding door moments to describe opportunities to connect with our partners. These are often micro moments of potential to let your partner know you care, you are there for them, and they can count on you. The term sliding door fits well because these occasions can be so fleeting they are easily missed. Mixed in with other blog posts below are real life sliding door moments that I see in relationships all around me, including my own. Some moments were embraced and perhaps created stronger bonds for the couple while others were missed. I hope highlighting these real life sliding door moments in other’s relationships will help you seek out and take advantage of the opportunity they provided to turn towards your partner and build trust in your own relationship.
Before, during, and after fights there are many opportunities for sliding door moments. I recently had a fight with my husband. Nothing major but for some reason I was particularly angry and did not go about expressing my feelings in the best way possible. After a few tries we finally talked enough that we were both satisfied and you could tell it was over. After having some time to think about what I had said and how I had said it I realized I was taking my feelings out on my husband. He was right. I was not being fair to him. Because the fight was over I could have easily let this go and never admitted I was wrong or not being as supportive as I could have been. I even thought saying anything else on the topic might reignite the flames and we would be fighting all over again. Fortunately, I saw this opportunity for what it was a sliding door moment to let him know I had thought about what he said and realized I had messed up.
